So, a friend of mine brings me to Wal-Mart for some reason i don't recall,
as i'm hung over as all fuck. While i wait for him to find whatever it was
we were there for, i start looking at the discount shit-CDs for $5.99 to
see how funny the titles were. titles like "waves of beauty", "songs for your
sixties", and shit like that.
this goes on for a while. i make fun of a bunch, then i spot a quite
nice looking femployee bringing carts by where i was standing. she was
wearing very tight pants that complimented her hips and legs nicely.
i enjoyed her shape from what i could see. i had a feeling i'd like her
ass, and was determined to find out.
to do this at a better vantage point, i half knelt and pretended i was still
checking CDs so i could look her right in the ass as she passed.
turns out i was right and i got an eyeful of tight-panted-roasted-rump the
likes of which i liked. she had a ways to go til her destination and i would
have had this nice vision for a good 2 more minutes had she not turned around
and caught me looking. this story gets better, then worse. stay tuned.
so, i inform my friend of my crime and how i got caught. he makes fun of me
and we nickname her "sellsforless", and head to the liquor store. my drink
tally is somewhere around 7 beer from a 12er and leads us to heading to a bar
down the street called O'leary's. it was open mic night, and we signed up and play a few
songs. this gets us drink tickets, of which i ended up with two extra as the guys
playing the drums and bass with us were not drinking this particular evening.
i spotted sellsforless with a not too shabby blonde friend who another pal of
mine happened to know. i tell him the story, and he offers to bring them over
to "smooth it all out". He catches the blonde's attention and calls her over.
her friend came along, and we were introduced. before i could make any attempts
to save face, sellsforless, while shaking my hand, says "you were at wal-mart earlier!"
i said "yes. yes i was..." i waited for her to ask if i got a good look and give me
snarky looks. this did not happen. instead, she said "i'm sooo sorry if i bumped you
with the carts when i passed you! i was in such a hurry, and didn't think they would
hit you, but when i saw you looking at me, i knew i had to have! i felt sooooo bad!
i'm sorry!"
this, i was not expecting. it was like she was doing me a favor. i looked her in
the eyes, and said "don't be sorry. you didn't hit me at all. i was looking at your
ass! and a fine one it is!..." i waited for a slap, but did not recieve one. instead,
i got "oh, good! i was worried cause i thought you were cute and i looked back to
check you out, and when i saw you looking at me, i thought for sure i hit you!"
so, i reiterate, "nope! it was for the ass!"
we chatting until the bar closed, but this was not a good thing. she sucked at it!
our conversation couldn't have been less stimulating without introducing chloroform.
and i am rarely bored, especially when intoxicated...
but she still had that ass, so i continued flirting. i am a terrible human being.
I was living alone in a building where my landlord was louder and drunker than me, and
lived next door, so my place was the common after-party for my crew of mysanthropes, and
invited her back, as well as half the bar. (half the bar this evening means roughly 30
people, most of which i knew.)
i somehow got her to my room, where we get naked and have some fun. to my surprise, the
only interruption was her blonde friend, who now knows what i, and her friend, look like
naked.
this does not stop us. she tells blondie she's fine, and she'll tell her about it after.
this statement tells me i should not stop. her ass was as smooth as it looked in the
wal-mart tight pants, and she was just as tight where it counted, and a good kisser as well.
i has a fun night.
i run into blondie a couple days later, and she informs me that sellsforless had a great time,
and that EVERYTHING was to her specifications, and that she can't wait to see me again.
and yes, she did use those words, and she did emphasize EVERYTHING.
i did not particularly want this, as any of our conversation that wasn't flirting wasn't
very uninteresting. the phone calls start. i don't recall giving her my number, but i was
well seasoned, to say the least, and i don't even remember her leaving my place.
well, it turned out she was the relationship type, and was willing to sleep with me to
seal the deal of getting me to "go out" with her. i decided that the very worst thing
i could do was to tell her i wasn't interested in a relationship, but still try to sleep
with her some more. this is what i did. whenever she talked nice, i said something awful,
to make sure that she would be somewhat disgusted with me, but still want my cock.
this did not work. she wanted a relationship. i needed a plan.
a female friend of mine was in a similar situation. she took a guy home who now thought
he was in love with her, and wanted to date her, but she just wanted throw-away sex.
we exchanged stories, and came up with the best idea EVER! operation bird-rock!
OPERATION BIRD-ROCK:
we set up a night of partying, and if these two invite themselves along, we, even at the
risk of losing the sex, flirt with each other instead of them! we are very good friends, and
if it came down to touching or making out, so be it! this would deter them for sure, and
we kill two birds with one stone! end of problem, and we don't even have to actually say
"anyway, i find you dull!"
again, i am a terrible human being.
this worked like a charm for my female friend, but sellsforless didn't show up that night.
so, i had my problem for a while longer. until one night that i decided i'd take her up
on hanging out another time, and i hadn't had sex in a while, and told all of my friends
not to show up at my place this time because i'm "planning to be sexing, and won't be
answering
my phone or door!"
sellsforless and i get some makeouts and groping in for a bit, when all of a sudden,
a good 40 people pile into not only my apartment, but half of them directly into my
bedroom, where we were in mid-grope. i let go of her tit, and start laughing.
me: "didn't i ask all of you to NOT come over tonight?!?..."
one of them: "yeah, but we brought beer!"
me: "i fucking love you guys! you know that, right?"
they hand both of us a beer, and we hang out for a bit, when another female
friend of mine comes to sit with me, and out of nowhere, (and it's not even
the birdrock friend, nor does she usually do this)starts feeling me up, and
kissing my neck, with sellsforless on the other side of me watching this. her
hand WAS on my right leg when my female pal starting running her hand up my
left leg. sellsforless takes her hand away, and finishes her beer as fast as
she can down it, and gets up to look for her coat. she said goodbye to me, but
i just kinda waved as i was enjoying my neck being licked. i never heard from
her again. once she left, my friend stopped licking my neck and took her hands
away from my crotch. i asked her what brought on the odd friskyness, and she
said "i didn't like that girl with you, so i wanted her to go away!"
i laughed very hard at this and let everyone in on the operative. the party
continued, without sex, but with good friends who are accepting of my horrible
motives.
-Sleeve-
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