As any reader of this blog knows, I get really drunk all the time and most of those times bad/strange shit happens to me. Sometimes it involves really stupid shit that I could potentially get in alot of trouble for, this time I did.
The night started like any other that summer where I was broke by me and my friend Captain Liquor(CL) for short would scrounge up any money we could to get hammered. We managed to get quite a bit so we headed to the beer store and picked up a pack of cold shots each. If you don't know what a cold shot is, they are tiny beers that are super strong and I am convinced that they are forged by some sort of deity to teach drunks a lesson. We get 8 of them each and proceed to get hammered. After 5 or 6 of these things we are definetly feeling the effects of the booze and after 8 we figure its time to go into the bar.
At the bar we meet 3 very nice young ladies who have a couple of drinks with us. When I say a couple of drinks I really mean 3 or 4, I lost count somewhere. They decide they are going to drive us around and get us loaded. With me and CL thats a really, really stupid yet awesome idea. We are driving around town drinking this shitty homemade liquor I called swish(after the shitty homemade liquor from the TV series Trailer Park Boys). It tasted like pure hell but it was pretty awesome to drive into you. After an hour or so of doing this me and CL are completely drunk and feel its a good idea to go to their place and drink some more booze. They have booze, it's free....Rob likes.
After drinking more at their place and after me falling down a flight of stairs waking up the grandparents and taking a bottle of rum for my own purposes we go on our way to this little private airport. After prying open the door to the hangar we decided to see if the door to the airplane was open. I've never been in one of those little private planes and I can say they are friggin awesome. The guy had a cd player in the and leather seats and what not so me and CL did what we always do, ruin things for everyone. We kicked off all the dials on the plane and got the fuck out of there after drinking some more of course. Driving away from the airport was also beneficial, I got me a new solar light from a graveyard and also drained the lizard, yeah I'm a dick....why do you think this blog is called the Asshole gene.
So its almost 3 and I'm out of smokes so we go to the 7-Eleven equivalent in our town to buy smokes. I am fucked-in-half drunk at this point and am having a hard time keeping my balance standing there. I tried to put my PIN number in the the pad and failed, once, twice, five times. Eventually I think I got it right or fucked off, I can't remember. Got back in the car and theres all this food that CL and the girls took from there, friggin sweet munchies. We drove around drinking and eating munchies now, they were awesome. So finally I had enough of not having smokes so we went back to the store, they called the cops, we take off. Driving around some more the cops start following us big time so we get the girls to pull over and me and CL take the fuck off. He ran alot further than me and hid under a shed where he was attacked by a raccoon. Once I thought the coast was clear I ventured out and then the next thing I knew I was on the hood of the cop car in cuffs. The cops didn't really believe me that I was not involved in the theft at all and subsequently was charge for it. In the cop station he kept telling me I was high and wouldn't listen to me that I wasn't high, he was basically calling me a liar. I wasn't high, I was really really drunk. We were drinking for almost 12 hours at this point so obviously my eyes were red and I wasn't coherent. Rob got drunker than a cop has seen or could determine.
A few days later, me freaking out about getting charged with a bullshit offense, me and CL went back to that store and this is how I got off. CL(who is now possibly infected with rabies after his raccoon attack)told the manager and I shit you not:
CL: "yeah apparently I was in here wasted out of my head and I took a bunch of shit without paying, ummmm, I can pay for it now I just don't really remember"
Store Owner: "Oh that was you guys? Don't worry about it, we've all had those nights"
CL: "uhhh okay?"
So we left, charges were dropped and thus ended one of the shittiest times ever
-Rob
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Captain Asshole: a true story...
I posted this story on my band's blog a while back. it belongs here as well.
The only thing false in this story is the girl's name. whenever it is brought up,
i pick one. last time i told this, she was "tammy". this time, "sherry":
somewhere shortly after highschool time, 2 friends
of mine (linz and mike)and myself were invited to a party we
didn't particularly wish to attend, but didn't want to offend
the person who invited us, so we got some beer and went.
there. the girl who invited us was the only person we knew, so
we stuck together near the most comfortable wall and kept to
ourselves. as we were digging into our beer, we witnessed an
obvious tart, who's name i don't recall at the moment, so for
the sake of the story, i'll call her "sherry", making her
rounds and introducing herself to everyone there. nothing
wrong with that. it was the way that the party was just in
the first half hour and she was so shittered that she was
having trouble walking, speaking, and keeping her cleaveage
and belly from flubbing out of her shirt and over her belt.
and mostly, it was the way she spoke. loudly, and as though
absolutely everything was utterly HILARIOUS!!! we knew she'd
make it to us sooner or later. she did.
she stumbled over to us, and hit us up clockwise:
tart: *drunken valley girl accent* "HAHAHAHA! I HAVEN'T MET
YOU YET! HAHA! I'M SHERRY! WHAT'S YOOOOOUUUUUR NAAAME?! HAHA!"
linz: "they call me lo-brow."
tart: "HAHAHA! WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT?...HAHA!"
linz: *scowls at her, with one brow down*
tart: "......OH..........KAAAAAAAAAAAAAY......."
*goes to mike*
tart: "HAHAHAHA! I HAVEN'T MET
YOU YET! HAHA! I'M SHERRY! WHAT'S YOOOOOUUUUUR NAAAME?! HAHA!"
mike: "they call me kanga."
tart: "HAHAHA! KANGA?!...HAHA! WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT?...HAHA!"
mike: "because that's my nickname."
tart: "...OH..........KAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.....I GUESS....."
*comes my way*
tart: "HAHAHAHA! AND THEN YOU! HAHA! I'M SHERRY! WHAT'S YOOOOOUUUUUR NAAAME?! HAHA!"
me: "they call me Captain Asshole!"
tart: "HAHAHA! CAPTAIN ASSHOLE?!?!...HAHA! WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT??!..."
me: "WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF?!?"
she didn't think it was as funny as we did. she gave a blank
look as linz and mike burst out laughing, and then she ran off
to tell everyone at the party how mean we were to her, and
we were asked to leave and not come back. we were ok with that. feel free to let us know what YOU think.
-Sleeve-
The only thing false in this story is the girl's name. whenever it is brought up,
i pick one. last time i told this, she was "tammy". this time, "sherry":
somewhere shortly after highschool time, 2 friends
of mine (linz and mike)and myself were invited to a party we
didn't particularly wish to attend, but didn't want to offend
the person who invited us, so we got some beer and went.
there. the girl who invited us was the only person we knew, so
we stuck together near the most comfortable wall and kept to
ourselves. as we were digging into our beer, we witnessed an
obvious tart, who's name i don't recall at the moment, so for
the sake of the story, i'll call her "sherry", making her
rounds and introducing herself to everyone there. nothing
wrong with that. it was the way that the party was just in
the first half hour and she was so shittered that she was
having trouble walking, speaking, and keeping her cleaveage
and belly from flubbing out of her shirt and over her belt.
and mostly, it was the way she spoke. loudly, and as though
absolutely everything was utterly HILARIOUS!!! we knew she'd
make it to us sooner or later. she did.
she stumbled over to us, and hit us up clockwise:
tart: *drunken valley girl accent* "HAHAHAHA! I HAVEN'T MET
YOU YET! HAHA! I'M SHERRY! WHAT'S YOOOOOUUUUUR NAAAME?! HAHA!"
linz: "they call me lo-brow."
tart: "HAHAHA! WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT?...HAHA!"
linz: *scowls at her, with one brow down*
tart: "......OH..........KAAAAAAAAAAAAAY......."
*goes to mike*
tart: "HAHAHAHA! I HAVEN'T MET
YOU YET! HAHA! I'M SHERRY! WHAT'S YOOOOOUUUUUR NAAAME?! HAHA!"
mike: "they call me kanga."
tart: "HAHAHA! KANGA?!...HAHA! WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT?...HAHA!"
mike: "because that's my nickname."
tart: "...OH..........KAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.....I GUESS....."
*comes my way*
tart: "HAHAHAHA! AND THEN YOU! HAHA! I'M SHERRY! WHAT'S YOOOOOUUUUUR NAAAME?! HAHA!"
me: "they call me Captain Asshole!"
tart: "HAHAHA! CAPTAIN ASSHOLE?!?!...HAHA! WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT??!..."
me: "WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF?!?"
she didn't think it was as funny as we did. she gave a blank
look as linz and mike burst out laughing, and then she ran off
to tell everyone at the party how mean we were to her, and
we were asked to leave and not come back. we were ok with that. feel free to let us know what YOU think.
-Sleeve-
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Bored at work/Happy new years
As some of you know, I have a condition called Irritable Bowel Syndrome, things make me crap here is a list
5. Cheap Pizza - I have recently found out that Greco Pizza gives me the runs. It's been in my fridge for about 2 days now and yet I keep eating it and it makes me shit. I decided a party pizza to myself at 3pm was a good idea.
4. Alpine Beer - My god, I cannot drink alpine. Well its shitty beer anyway but the worst is the bright yellow diarhea I get the morning after.
3. Nachos - For some reason my body turns nachos to hot tomato soup
2. The Baconator - Literally if I eat one of these it feels like Wolverine is giving me a massage, from the inside, in my colon.
1. Flax - Yes flax, that shitty grain that everyone drones on about being so healthy. I bought flaxseed oil one day and I had to call in sick from work. By dinner time I was pleading with the gods to stop it, actually trying to bargain with imaginary characters to stop my digestive tract from spilling out. I thought it was just the oil so I bought flax spaghetti, once again, up all night with the green apple splatters.
So there you go, something else thats.....well wrong.
-Rob
5. Cheap Pizza - I have recently found out that Greco Pizza gives me the runs. It's been in my fridge for about 2 days now and yet I keep eating it and it makes me shit. I decided a party pizza to myself at 3pm was a good idea.
4. Alpine Beer - My god, I cannot drink alpine. Well its shitty beer anyway but the worst is the bright yellow diarhea I get the morning after.
3. Nachos - For some reason my body turns nachos to hot tomato soup
2. The Baconator - Literally if I eat one of these it feels like Wolverine is giving me a massage, from the inside, in my colon.
1. Flax - Yes flax, that shitty grain that everyone drones on about being so healthy. I bought flaxseed oil one day and I had to call in sick from work. By dinner time I was pleading with the gods to stop it, actually trying to bargain with imaginary characters to stop my digestive tract from spilling out. I thought it was just the oil so I bought flax spaghetti, once again, up all night with the green apple splatters.
So there you go, something else thats.....well wrong.
-Rob
Rob drinks a 40 of gin, old guy gets pissed
So this happened quite a while ago when I was in college so my memory of these events are sketchy at best and I may be merging two events together, but for now ima call it as I see it cause I don't especially feel the need to cater to anyone.
I had just gotten out of class and was at my place eating ramen noodles and talking on msn to my good friend NewfChick. A little intro to NewfChick is in order I would suppose. This girl is hot, like really hot, tall slender, great rack but there was something else about her, the way she carried herself. Most girls with her appearence arent even close to being as boisterous, offensive and can handle her booze better than most winos. So she mentiones having people over tonight and she wants to get hammered(what else is new with her). I'm thinking this is a particularly great idea as I just failed a test of something and wanted to get drunk as balls. I go to the booze store and decided on my poison....gin, and alot of it. The night begins.
I start slamming the drinks into me and eventually my buddies sombitch and legs come over and join in the festivities. They see my large bottle of hard stuff and well I assume their heads exploded, nah they just knew Rob was getting drunk tonight. 7 or 8 drinks later we are ready to go out. They went to the local watering hole while I went over to NewfChicks. Psycho-J(who isnt psycho at all, just an inside joke) usually wanted me to burn her music so I brought over some cds, and put them in. There were a few people at a the place and most of whom probably didn't like me, whatever like I need to be the center of attention, ha. Well after about another 5 drinks socializing about random stupid shit we played drinking games. Yeah thats a smart idea, I would have been down over half done the 40 and at this point im pretty sure Ive made a complete ass outta myself. So me and NewfChick are loaded as hell singing irish tunes at the top of our lungs. Thats pretty much the last memory I have of that night. Then I woke up.
To understand how fucked I was you have to get the layout of the town I was in. Miramichi is split into 3 parts, Chatham is on the south side of the river, Douglastown is directly across and then about a 10 minute drive away is Newcastle, with several little neighborhoods in between. I lived in Chatham, I woke up almost in Newcastle. I was jolted awake by very cold water on my face and body and the snow recently melted so I don't believe the ground was dry to begin with. This old guy was spraying me in the face with a hose yelling something about calling the cops and how I ruined his flowers. At this point I am confused as hell, I have no shoes on and some douchebag is yelling at me. I'm on my feet and he is still spraying me and yelling something about his flowers. I venture on the road and yell "WHAT! WHAT ABOUT YOUR FLOWE....oh" I see the flowers by his house torn up and strung across the lawn. This guy was still yelling at me, so I did what any self respecting drunk would do, asked him where my shoes were. Well angry old guy had enough of this and started chasing me, thus starting my long walk of shame home.
On the way back I stopped in at Psycho-J and NewfChick's place and got my shoes. Apparently I said I was going home and left my shoes, I dunno. Lesson learned, gin is the enemy and I slept with it.
-Rob
I had just gotten out of class and was at my place eating ramen noodles and talking on msn to my good friend NewfChick. A little intro to NewfChick is in order I would suppose. This girl is hot, like really hot, tall slender, great rack but there was something else about her, the way she carried herself. Most girls with her appearence arent even close to being as boisterous, offensive and can handle her booze better than most winos. So she mentiones having people over tonight and she wants to get hammered(what else is new with her). I'm thinking this is a particularly great idea as I just failed a test of something and wanted to get drunk as balls. I go to the booze store and decided on my poison....gin, and alot of it. The night begins.
I start slamming the drinks into me and eventually my buddies sombitch and legs come over and join in the festivities. They see my large bottle of hard stuff and well I assume their heads exploded, nah they just knew Rob was getting drunk tonight. 7 or 8 drinks later we are ready to go out. They went to the local watering hole while I went over to NewfChicks. Psycho-J(who isnt psycho at all, just an inside joke) usually wanted me to burn her music so I brought over some cds, and put them in. There were a few people at a the place and most of whom probably didn't like me, whatever like I need to be the center of attention, ha. Well after about another 5 drinks socializing about random stupid shit we played drinking games. Yeah thats a smart idea, I would have been down over half done the 40 and at this point im pretty sure Ive made a complete ass outta myself. So me and NewfChick are loaded as hell singing irish tunes at the top of our lungs. Thats pretty much the last memory I have of that night. Then I woke up.
To understand how fucked I was you have to get the layout of the town I was in. Miramichi is split into 3 parts, Chatham is on the south side of the river, Douglastown is directly across and then about a 10 minute drive away is Newcastle, with several little neighborhoods in between. I lived in Chatham, I woke up almost in Newcastle. I was jolted awake by very cold water on my face and body and the snow recently melted so I don't believe the ground was dry to begin with. This old guy was spraying me in the face with a hose yelling something about calling the cops and how I ruined his flowers. At this point I am confused as hell, I have no shoes on and some douchebag is yelling at me. I'm on my feet and he is still spraying me and yelling something about his flowers. I venture on the road and yell "WHAT! WHAT ABOUT YOUR FLOWE....oh" I see the flowers by his house torn up and strung across the lawn. This guy was still yelling at me, so I did what any self respecting drunk would do, asked him where my shoes were. Well angry old guy had enough of this and started chasing me, thus starting my long walk of shame home.
On the way back I stopped in at Psycho-J and NewfChick's place and got my shoes. Apparently I said I was going home and left my shoes, I dunno. Lesson learned, gin is the enemy and I slept with it.
-Rob
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